I once met a woman who was around 25 years older than me, actually she was my neighbor. She was and is inspiring to me. She was more eccentric than me, but she was the kind of person I loved having around me. She was extroverted, positive, always enthusiastic. Being around her felt like being around someone fully alive, someone who saw others and included them.

She seemed like a free spirit in the sense that she did what she wanted, and she didn’t take herself too seriously. She hosted gatherings in the neighborhood, and if someone was lonely she invited them to join. I remember she told me once that she dreamed of living in Spain, in part for the weather, but she loved the people there too: friendly, relaxed, alive in the way she was. Maybe it’s a sharp contrast to how Sweden can feel sometimes. I don’t necessarily believe it’s entirely what Swedes are at our core, maybe it’s just how most of us end up after a while, conforming, performing and sometimes told to “not feel so important.”

She brought Spain with her everywhere she went. She radiated the description she wished she had more of in her environment. It’s how I saw her, and it’s what she brought forth in others, people who were lonely getting pulled into her gatherings instead of staying that way. I don’t remember if I told her in those exact words, or if she’ll ever know. I hope she will.

The more I experience, the more I understand her. Once you’ve lived somewhere that’s genuinely yours and felt it resonate, reality outside doesn’t live up to that, and the contrast can feel draining, like a flower that isn’t getting enough sun. The question is whether what’s missing is fertile ground, sunlight, or something else entirely. Now navigating something I’m not ready to share yet, I realize more than ever that I have to be the person I want around me. I have to keep my own light, for as long as I’m somewhere else.